The perplexity of the perplexed

*Disclaimer* 

This is mostly random strands of thoughts that may or may not have a point and may or may not make any sense at all or both [or] could have and make a point if I finished my thoughts but failed to do so.

Now it is not all to often that I write philosophically or with deep intent though my mind often operates as such.  This is quiet possibly why I do not always communicate as well as I would like to.  Though if you know me at all it would not really surprise you that I think in such ways.  In college some friends called me a rubix cube as I was complicated to "figure out" or in other words understand what I was all about, I guess.  Though I wondered what was so difficult to understand [at the time] as I thought I was generally straight forward. I can now see that I am not.  I often quote songs that have a much deeper meaning to me than what appears to be on the surface. Often times, they scream what I really want to say but yet fear openly expressing myself in that manner.Many details that someone may not even catch or recognize such as word choice, phrases, punctuation, smiles, compliments, deeds or sacrifice may be a window into who I really am or what I am really feeling.  I guess in a lot of ways, my feelings and desires are coded into an outer service so therefore people may see only what they want to.  

I guess I do this for a variety of reasons.  One may be personal expectation for myself.  Expectation that I should be happy.. and should not let things bother me and ...should learn from experiences and except them willingly...should be an example and should this and should that.  And so if I am not this or I am not that, I am therefore not where or who I should be.  And with this mind set what confidence could I have at all?  

Another reason: expectation of others.  If I am to live a life of success, I must do and be a. b. c. and d.  So if I am not a. than I must be x, which would make me a "not as successful" person and who doesn't want complete success or to be viewed by others as "having your life together"?  My question though [to myself], who defines success? Success of one may be complete and utter failure to another.  Why on Earth would I succumb to an expectation of another?  Well that has many answers, for one, I love and value some people and some people's opinions. Yet if these people really cared for me as I do them, would they think less of me or want to be around me less?  Possibly.. but if that is how they really felt than maybe it would be best that we were not around each other at all.  

I guess what it may come down to is the fear of failure.  If  I expose my desires and feelings, I am therefore vulnerable to defeat, humiliation, disappointment and sorrow amongst other things.  So yeah it may sound like a good idea to protect myself from such sentiment but tonight I say that it is not a good idea.  Fear is the proponent of damnation and therefore all forward progress in life dissipates in its presence.  It perpetuates misery and silences love and happiness. Men are that they may have joy as the scriptures state.  

Now this may sound like a very pessimistic post and whereas it does come from much frustration inside I am actually very optimistic about it.  It may not make sense to some but it is my feeble attempt to clarify some things that I have been feeling for some time and of other things that have transpired as of today.

Today I wrecked my car.  Now it is not completely ruined but it is quiet banged up as I will explain in my next post.  First off, I will say that am very grateful that everyone is safe and we were all able to drive away.  The crash itself, in the scheme of things is rather insignificant.  Whereas I now have added nuisances to deal with, I also have a fun little story to tell after all is said and done.  My pain though, if I am allowed to feel pain at all is my pride.  My first accident..what do others think, I am not as competent as a driver now?.. am I a safe driver? are now questions that may come into ones mind.  Questions that I do not want to be there but inevitably are.  That sucks. And yes, whether or not I should feel that way, I do.  But how do I classify such emotion.. because one part of me can laugh and joke and be understanding of the situation whereas another part actually does hurt.  I will usually report the first and encode the second because I feel that this is what people would like to hear but in doing so does not give me the personal satisfaction that I need. Where does the second half go..?  It gets locked inside for only me to feel.  

Now I am not sure how I am going to piece this next part to the prevalent topic but I need to..for me.  I have often asked others a thought that goes something like this, " Would you want to live a day where you had something that made you happy knowing that that thing would be inaccessible for you thereafter?"  Most people I have asked have said no.  I on the other hand, say that I would.  Why should I deprive myself of having an experience of such joy just because later it would not be there.  Could I not learn something in the process? Would I be better having a consistent par experience with little up and little down?  I guess that is a personal question that can be answered different by each person but would explain why I choose to act the way that I do sometimes.  I say this because I am in love with a girl who I feel is indifferent toward me.  Where I may be wrong, that is my perception anyway.  Should I not do things with her or speak to her because it would  "inhibit" my ability to quote unquote, move on?  The truth is, she inspires self achievement, she makes me smile, she radiates the Spirit and in turn makes me yearn to do the same.  She is funny, smart, beautiful, caring and sensitive.  Loving, giving, selfless and charitable to go on.  So whether or not she and I ever even end up dating, I still want to be around this person and would appreciate that others would be forgiving of that matter.  I really do understand the consequence believe it or not.   Yes I will admit that at times it is hard and it can be, at times frustrating or disheartening but with that aside, I want her to succeed and be happy even if that is without me.  While it is probably common knowledge to most people that know me that I care about this girl and that she is very important to me, I often do not speak directly of her. I do however, have her encoded throughout my writing, conversation...etc... [I mean I am not even using her name in this post yet you know who I am talking about.  Case in point. ] This may be because of the aforementioned fear of failure, expectation and so on.  Though this very reason may be the cause of the real failure or a part of it at least.  Which is the real tragedy?

I guess that you may have caught on that details matter to me.  I do analyze and take care to  even the smallest of things because what is important is usually encoded within. [I may sound like I am losing my mind or may even be confusing you or freaking you out but that's fine and I am probably not as extreme as I sound.]  Now this can be to my down fall, especially since not everything that other people do is done with such thought or meaning and yet I will break down words, comments, gestures that were really just that, words comments and gestures.Tough. This can lead me to feel a number of not so pleasant feelings when really I have no just or real reason to have those feelings.  And so I am happy but yet at the same time am "frustrated" for lack of a better word  for no apparent reason..and so how can you express both at once? How should I feel?..... I guess being direct is most important in order to eliminate the non existent but yet is exactly what I am not.  

I guess to conclude this random non sensical blurb of words, I am my own impediment of having success and being the person I should be due to my fears and feelings, merited or not dot dot dot