A day in the life...

Today I...

woke up

took a shower

studied

went to work

worked on my class 

sort of quit my job

wrote on my blog

took another shower

went back to work

went climbing (I finally finished the century route..wow the simple pleasures in life)

talked to ingrid

called my mom and dad

checked on my car title...

and this and that and the other I know not too exciting

But anyway the last one is actually giving me some grief in my life at the moment.  Here one of my flaws is shining ever so brightly.  I put off getting my title.. well actually I thought my bank had it, I actually put off registering my car because it failed the emissions test because my check engine light was on, so since I never fixed it I never actually registered my car so the consequences on my [lack of] actions are that: I get pulled over for expired registration, I fix my engine problem 500 dollars later and pass my emissions and go to finally register my car only to realize that I was told the wrong thing and my title was not with my bank so I could not register my car.  I get a temporary registration while I try to locate my title,  I wake up and find that I have another ticket for expired registration but yet it was temporarily ok but the ice on my back wind shield was covering it.  So I am still trying to get my title, my temporary registration has now expired and I may be getting a warrant for my arrest and my car impounded.  All this I am trying to do through the holidays which is no easy task and not to mention it is smashed  :) but I have already talked about that and it is being taken care of.

SO in conclusion, I am sort of jobless, I mean I will still be working for the next couple of weeks at least but not very much, I am pretty broke, I am going to be working hard to finish my last class within the next couple weeks so I will finally be graduated, I am trying to get my car stuff in order and try to stay out of jail, and I am probably moving.  I must sound like the most 'with it' guy in the world but believe it or not I feel pretty alright at the moment?   to be continued...

ps Ben Lee Rocks, if you have never listened to his music..you should.  I put a couple of his songs on my blog so I hope you like it, if not.. I am not that sorry. :)

I have big news!

So I promised that I would write this post awhile ago, i was going to skip it but here it is anyway.  So over the past few weeks there has been a lot of love in the air.  My friend Josh is getting married, Brittany just got married, Becky just got married, Kristen just got married, Breanna got engaged, Chris and Morgan just got engaged, my parents just had their anniversary and actually several other friends that are illuding my mind have either gotten married or engaged.

So with everyone with their big news, I have some of my own...

I crashed my car!  Oh yes I did.  So this is the story, Kate was feeling a little left out of all this love stuff going on and had just gotten a[n] [expensive] tune up so she was feeling pretty good and ready to get back into the game when she saw this big hunk of a semi.  So she thought she'd get his attention by spinning on the freeway for him but as she did so, she just got struck down by him and went spinning even more.  She is now left with a broken hatch, bumper and tail light. Poor thing, I really feel for her.  But hey, moral of the story,  she shouldn't have gone for the loser.  

This all happened by the way over Donner Pass in California coming back to Utah.  My brother was in the car with me and we were both fine, thank goodness.  It could have been a lot worse to say the least.  I just have to take Kate in to get her fixed.  That'll just leave me carless so I will se when that happens.  I will try to get a few picks of it before it is fixed though and post them on here.  The end.

The perplexity of the perplexed

*Disclaimer* 

This is mostly random strands of thoughts that may or may not have a point and may or may not make any sense at all or both [or] could have and make a point if I finished my thoughts but failed to do so.

Now it is not all to often that I write philosophically or with deep intent though my mind often operates as such.  This is quiet possibly why I do not always communicate as well as I would like to.  Though if you know me at all it would not really surprise you that I think in such ways.  In college some friends called me a rubix cube as I was complicated to "figure out" or in other words understand what I was all about, I guess.  Though I wondered what was so difficult to understand [at the time] as I thought I was generally straight forward. I can now see that I am not.  I often quote songs that have a much deeper meaning to me than what appears to be on the surface. Often times, they scream what I really want to say but yet fear openly expressing myself in that manner.Many details that someone may not even catch or recognize such as word choice, phrases, punctuation, smiles, compliments, deeds or sacrifice may be a window into who I really am or what I am really feeling.  I guess in a lot of ways, my feelings and desires are coded into an outer service so therefore people may see only what they want to.  

I guess I do this for a variety of reasons.  One may be personal expectation for myself.  Expectation that I should be happy.. and should not let things bother me and ...should learn from experiences and except them willingly...should be an example and should this and should that.  And so if I am not this or I am not that, I am therefore not where or who I should be.  And with this mind set what confidence could I have at all?  

Another reason: expectation of others.  If I am to live a life of success, I must do and be a. b. c. and d.  So if I am not a. than I must be x, which would make me a "not as successful" person and who doesn't want complete success or to be viewed by others as "having your life together"?  My question though [to myself], who defines success? Success of one may be complete and utter failure to another.  Why on Earth would I succumb to an expectation of another?  Well that has many answers, for one, I love and value some people and some people's opinions. Yet if these people really cared for me as I do them, would they think less of me or want to be around me less?  Possibly.. but if that is how they really felt than maybe it would be best that we were not around each other at all.  

I guess what it may come down to is the fear of failure.  If  I expose my desires and feelings, I am therefore vulnerable to defeat, humiliation, disappointment and sorrow amongst other things.  So yeah it may sound like a good idea to protect myself from such sentiment but tonight I say that it is not a good idea.  Fear is the proponent of damnation and therefore all forward progress in life dissipates in its presence.  It perpetuates misery and silences love and happiness. Men are that they may have joy as the scriptures state.  

Now this may sound like a very pessimistic post and whereas it does come from much frustration inside I am actually very optimistic about it.  It may not make sense to some but it is my feeble attempt to clarify some things that I have been feeling for some time and of other things that have transpired as of today.

Today I wrecked my car.  Now it is not completely ruined but it is quiet banged up as I will explain in my next post.  First off, I will say that am very grateful that everyone is safe and we were all able to drive away.  The crash itself, in the scheme of things is rather insignificant.  Whereas I now have added nuisances to deal with, I also have a fun little story to tell after all is said and done.  My pain though, if I am allowed to feel pain at all is my pride.  My first accident..what do others think, I am not as competent as a driver now?.. am I a safe driver? are now questions that may come into ones mind.  Questions that I do not want to be there but inevitably are.  That sucks. And yes, whether or not I should feel that way, I do.  But how do I classify such emotion.. because one part of me can laugh and joke and be understanding of the situation whereas another part actually does hurt.  I will usually report the first and encode the second because I feel that this is what people would like to hear but in doing so does not give me the personal satisfaction that I need. Where does the second half go..?  It gets locked inside for only me to feel.  

Now I am not sure how I am going to piece this next part to the prevalent topic but I need to..for me.  I have often asked others a thought that goes something like this, " Would you want to live a day where you had something that made you happy knowing that that thing would be inaccessible for you thereafter?"  Most people I have asked have said no.  I on the other hand, say that I would.  Why should I deprive myself of having an experience of such joy just because later it would not be there.  Could I not learn something in the process? Would I be better having a consistent par experience with little up and little down?  I guess that is a personal question that can be answered different by each person but would explain why I choose to act the way that I do sometimes.  I say this because I am in love with a girl who I feel is indifferent toward me.  Where I may be wrong, that is my perception anyway.  Should I not do things with her or speak to her because it would  "inhibit" my ability to quote unquote, move on?  The truth is, she inspires self achievement, she makes me smile, she radiates the Spirit and in turn makes me yearn to do the same.  She is funny, smart, beautiful, caring and sensitive.  Loving, giving, selfless and charitable to go on.  So whether or not she and I ever even end up dating, I still want to be around this person and would appreciate that others would be forgiving of that matter.  I really do understand the consequence believe it or not.   Yes I will admit that at times it is hard and it can be, at times frustrating or disheartening but with that aside, I want her to succeed and be happy even if that is without me.  While it is probably common knowledge to most people that know me that I care about this girl and that she is very important to me, I often do not speak directly of her. I do however, have her encoded throughout my writing, conversation...etc... [I mean I am not even using her name in this post yet you know who I am talking about.  Case in point. ] This may be because of the aforementioned fear of failure, expectation and so on.  Though this very reason may be the cause of the real failure or a part of it at least.  Which is the real tragedy?

I guess that you may have caught on that details matter to me.  I do analyze and take care to  even the smallest of things because what is important is usually encoded within. [I may sound like I am losing my mind or may even be confusing you or freaking you out but that's fine and I am probably not as extreme as I sound.]  Now this can be to my down fall, especially since not everything that other people do is done with such thought or meaning and yet I will break down words, comments, gestures that were really just that, words comments and gestures.Tough. This can lead me to feel a number of not so pleasant feelings when really I have no just or real reason to have those feelings.  And so I am happy but yet at the same time am "frustrated" for lack of a better word  for no apparent reason..and so how can you express both at once? How should I feel?..... I guess being direct is most important in order to eliminate the non existent but yet is exactly what I am not.  

I guess to conclude this random non sensical blurb of words, I am my own impediment of having success and being the person I should be due to my fears and feelings, merited or not dot dot dot

"If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?"

So yesterday I succeeded in failing  at several things.  Most of which are not important but failure none the less.  Now i could chose to be disappointed or upset or I could choose to not let it bother me and learn the lesson I am supposed to learn.  I choose to not let it bother me but I am not sure I am learning my lesson.  Go figure, I am pretty stubborn. I mean for one example I've been failing for 1151 days and still wont secede (I had to do the math, I wasn't really keeping track). I guess failure is also how you look at  things.  Maybe this failure has really been a success? I mean I wouldn't have it any other way..well maybe I would but I do not regret any of it. Who knows.  As for now, I guess I will keep on going :)

Break from the routine...sort of.

SO yesterday was a pretty good day.  I was up early to prepare and go to my interview for TFA.  It was rather long with lots of little activities and lessons and other stuff.  I knew one of the other applicants interviewing.  She was in my stats class that I took at BYU a couple of summers ago and we studied a lot together..and we both passed.  SO it was cool to see her.  Anyway afterwards, I went and got some chinese food and talked to my friend Alexis.  SHe just got back yesterday from a mission.  So it was way cool to talk to her as well.   So after all the cool stuff, I caught up on PB and Chuck.  It was a good episode of Chuck.  PB took some pretty dramatic swings and I am not sure how it'll all play out.   But oh well.  I went climbing afterwards for a good long while.  I fell at 96 so I am almost there and beside that, it was a decent climbing day though i am starting to blow out my toes..I am going to have to get new shoes soon.  So yeah after that I went to the Brick Oven with some frineds from my ward and then bowling.  It has been a lond time since I have bowlked but I had a really good time, I like to bowl :)  I broke 100 both times, do not ask me how, it was a fluke.  I didn't get 1 strike. ps when did it become one big dance party? And then I came home and went to bed.  Awe yes bed.  It is sucha nice place. :)  Anyway so the interviewer asked me how I plan and prioitize and get things done in a day.  Looking at this one I had yesterday, I'm not sure.  hehe

Christmas Devotional

So I had the chance to go to the Christmas Devotional today.  It is the first time I have been to the conference center for an event.  It was really neat.  The messages were excellent and the singing was outstanding.  It was funny to have the tabernacle choir sing the first two versus of the last song and then have the congregation join in.  You can sure tell the difference! :)

"Yesterday I got so old.."

So anyway, these last couple of weeks have been very busy and needless to say I just do not have the energy that I used to.  That is not to say that I did not expend all the energy that I possibly could.  I was planning on going straight to Arizona two weekends ago and last minutes decided to take a detour to California (wise choice).  As I was headed down, I enjoyed the sunset over the Utah valley and I thought to myself, my attitude is a choice and I chose to enjoy the moment.  I write that down so I do not forget that later when I can choose to enjoy other things..sometimes I forget that I can choose :)  Anyway when I was in California I was able  to enjoy a few of my favorite things ie My family, cucas, in-in-out, the park, dancing and the beach.  

I later left with my brother Brent to Arizona where I was able to see my good friend David and his wife and his new kid.  I also volunteered at the Ironman Arizona race.  It was pretty awesome to see.  I was a catcher at the finish line and I literally caught many many people.  So awesome in fact that I am signed up for next year's event! Yipee.  So the drive home was not so fun (I guess I chose that as well) but at the same time it was fun to hang out with Brent for several hours as we ate peanuts and drank water and drove through small towns for 12 hours.

This last week was pretty fun as my family was all here for thanks giving.  I even got to seerian's girl friends several times..every time I saw Brian actually.  They would not let go of each other, not even to eat.  WEIRD.  But hey, I am happy for them all the same.  I took my brothers climbing.  They are really good.  Why did they get all the natural talent??  I guess i was the practice son and they perfected them after me.  That's my guess.  So yeah, for thanksgiving our family ran the Orem Earn your Turkey race.  We all finished and did really well.  Again my brothers ran circles around me but that is to be expected, they were both on the varsity cross country team this year.  

Anyway, that is the short of it all.  My life is pretty alright I must admit though I am practically falling asleep as I write this. So I'll try to attach some pictures and be on my merry way.